


Blue Skies And Blurred Lines

by HashtagHusky



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Broken Bones, Depression, Drugs, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Hospital, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Jealousy, Kissing, Love tally au, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, So don't freak out, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Orchard, Treebros, Treebros Endgame, Treebros is endgame, connor does weed, depressive episodes, evan falls out of trees, evan's an acorn, he will stop, i will put trigger warnings, idea from tumblr, mentions of self harm, my poor boys don't know what to do, that apple place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-02-06 12:27:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12817515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HashtagHusky/pseuds/HashtagHusky
Summary: Connor didn’t want sympathy.He didn’t want to know when he was in love.He didn’t want tallies on his arms to mark when he had feelings for others.So, he got rid of them.He cut them with razors.He blacked them out with marker.He wore long hoodies.No one would have to know.Evan thought the tallies on people’s arms were pretty.A story they could tell.He didn’t understand why people would cover them up, or tattoo over them. Evan wanted to fall in love, to feel loved in return. But still, he had bare, empty arms. He felt unlovable.*ON HIATUS*





	1. White plaster

**Author's Note:**

> tw for suicide attempt and vague mention of self harm but like blink and you miss it

Connor didn’t want sympathy.  
He didn’t want to know when he was in love.  
He didn’t want tallies on his arms to mark when he had feelings for others.  
So, he got rid of them.  
He cut them with razors.  
He blacked them out with marker.  
He wore long hoodies.  
No one would have to know.  
When he lay in bed at night, he’d think about the first time he got one. A red, thin tally on his wrist. It turned black a few weeks later, which meant his feelings were requited. And at fourteen, that was all he wanted. So when Chase, the jock everyone who made everyone’s hearts flutter, offered to meet him in the parking lot, he was ecstatic. Only to find out that Chase’s friends were homophobic jerks who beat them both up pretty badly. Connor didn’t speak for a week afterwards. Chase never came back to school. That was when Connor decided never to let his guard down again. 

Evan thought the tallies on people’s arms were pretty.  
A story they could tell.  
He didn’t understand why people would cover them up, or tattoo over them. Evan wanted to fall in love, to feel loved in return. But still, he had bare, empty arms. He felt unlovable.

By sixteen, he had given up. Everyone he knew had at least one tally. Almost everyone he knew was in love. Zoe Murphy, his old crush, was happy with Alana Beck, resident over-achiever. Jared Kleinman, his ‘family friend’ constantly teased him for being ‘the loneliest loner ever to lone’. He didn’t want to be noticed, he hated the teasing. So he drew back, became a background figure. No one even knew he was there. Except for Jared. And maybe Connor Murphy, Zoe’s scary older brother who pushed him to the ground one time. But Evan was sure even he had a tally or two. Everyone knew what happened back in middle school.

Evan sat forty feet up in the air, his legs dangling down. The old oak tree he climbed was in an abandoned orchard, so no one would find him. Probably for hours. Maybe days. Evan loved this orchard. He would go here to think. It was where he ran when Zoe asked kissed Alana, it was where he ran when he was teased, it was where he ran to hide. He shook, tears pouring down his face. ‘You’re weak. You’re too fucking weak to do this, to rid the world of yourself. No wonder people think you’re a burden. I knew you wouldn’t do it. No one loves you, how could they?’ A tiny voice said inside his head. He could feel tears tracking down his face, he could feel his lungs gasping for air. He curled up, and part of him wanted to cling to the tree, to sob, to go home.  
So he did the opposite. 

The fall was longer than Evan thought it would be- it seemed like time stopped, and he almost wished he hadn’t done it. But he closed his eyes, and breathed, ready to hit the ground. Finally.

Connor wasn’t trying to play the hero. He was going to pippin’s orchard to get high- it was out of the house, and always empty. He sat under the biggest oak tree, stretching to get comfortable. He bent over to get his bag, and that’s exactly when a boy fell from the tree, right into Connor.

The force of the blow had knocked him onto the ground, and he curled himself and the boy inside his arms impulsively.  
“O-ohmygod I-I-I’m so sorry I t-thought it would be high e-enough-Ohmygod” the boy said roughly, tears pouring down his face. Connor recognised him.  
“What the fuck, Hansen!” he yelled furiously, shoving him out of the embrace and brushing himself off.  
“I’m sorry I-I’m so sorry Ididn’tmeantoohmygod-” He cut himself off, grabbing his arm and whimpering. Connor really didn’t want to be here, tending to fucking acorn boy, when he came just to relax. But the blonde boy in front of him was beginning to hyperventilate, and Connor… felt bad. Plus, the noise was hurting his head.  
“Oh, fuck me gently with a chainsaw,” Connor muttered, sighing.  
“Hansen.” The boy continued sobbing.  
“Evan.” Sobbing.  
“EVAN!”  
“Yes-umhiyesi’msorry” the other boy sobbed, slurring his words a little.  
Connor crouched down so he was even with Evan, and put his hand on the other boy’s shoulder.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“M-my arm…” he trailed off, looking like there was something else he wanted to say, but kept quiet, whimpering a little. Connor didn’t ask and pulled out his cell phone, sighing. He would call an ambulance, but… the weed he had in his bag, and the questions they’d ask… looks like he was going to drive to the hospital. He wasn’t mean enough to leave Evan alone with a broken arm. He stood up, grabbing his bag.  
“Hey, Hansen?”  
“Y-yeah?”  
“Can you stand?”  
“Um- yes, I-I think so, yeah.” He replied, standing up shakily.  
“Cool, my car is parked just outside the fence, let’s go.” Connor said shortly.  
“Uh- where a-are we going?” Evan asked, his eyes wide and still brimming with tears.  
“The hospital, you fucking moron, where else?”  
“Um, I c-can walk or something i-it’s f-fine, really.” He said, wincing as he held his arm at an angle, walking fast to keep up with the other boy.  
“No, your arm is probably broken. Get in.” Connor said, slamming the door behind him.  
Evan got in, probably out of terror by the way he was looking at the taller boy. He struggled with the seatbelt for a full minute, and then Connor started the car.

Evan fucked up. Not only had he survived the fall, but he’d landed on Connor Murphey. Resident outcast with serious anger issues. Plus, he may’ve broken his arm. So, that was great. He didn’t really know where to look, so he just stared that Connor’s bag. It was a dark brown and had badges and pins on it.  
“Stop staring at me.”  
“I-I wasn’t u-um- “  
“Sure.”  
Connor looked out of the window for a moment, focusing on the road, and spoke.  
“Why the fuck were you in a tree anyway?” He asked.  
“U-Uh well, I was just, well, I like climbing trees and- “  
“So you make a habit of falling on people. From- what, twenty feet up?”  
“Forty.” Evan mumbled.  
“You’re so fucking weird…”  
“I know, I’m sorry!”  
“Why do you apologise so much?”  
“I…”  
“You want to apologise again, don’t you?”  
“Very much so, yes.”  
“So fucking weird…” Connor muttered again.  
The conversation dwindled, and Connor put on music- Evan knew Car Radio and Screen, but none of the others. So he mainly stared out of the window and tried to stop his arm from hurting so much. Watching the trees pass by, he wondered how this even happened. Evan didn’t think that anyone went to pippin’s orchard anymore. And for Connor to be there at exactly the same time as him… it made him feel a little less safe. Even though the taller boy had been almost nice to him so far. 

After 20 minutes or so they were at the ER, and Connor parked the car.  
“So… we’re here. Uh, see you at school, I guess.”  
“Uh-um o-okay I-um-“ the other boy sounded like he was choking, and Connor was sick of it.  
“Why are you still in my car? I drove you here after you fell on me! I’ve done more than enough. Get the fuck out, I wanna go home.”  
He didn’t get a response from Evan and looked over at the other boy to see him lolling in his seat, probably on the verge of unconsciousness. Fuck.  
Connor got out of the car and lifted Evan, who was heavier than he expected.  
“What’re you d-doing?” The younger boy slurred, clearly struggling to stay awake.  
“Shut the fuck up, Hansen. You’re heavy.” Connor didn’t get a reply, so he sighed, blew his fringe out of his face, and walked into the ER. 

“He appears to have a mild concussion and a fracture in his left Ulna.” The nurse, Jenna, said to Connor. After receiving a confused look Jenna clarified “His forearm.”  
“So… can I go now?” he asked, pissed off at the fact that he’d wasted two hours and was going to get shouted at when he got home anyway. It was already eight thirty.  
“Well, this is why we asked you to stay while we assessed him. We can’t get hold of his mother at the current time, and although he is completely stable, due to his concussion we require someone, family or friend, to be with him.”  
“I’m not his family or his friend! He landed on me and I took him to a hospital!” Connor yelled.  
“Please stop shouting at me, or I will have to call security and possibly fine you. I’m sorry, Mr Murphy. As soon as his family arrives, you will be permitted to leave. However, he requires someone to be with him for now. His room number is 501. Also, we’ve noticed he stutters a lot and was shaking, does he suffer from stress?”  
“I told you, we’re not fucking friends.” He glared at her. “He… I think he has anxiety or some shit though.”  
“Okay, thank you. If you require anything there’s a nurse call button in the room.”  
Any other day, Connor would’ve run after her and shouted. Any other day, Connor would be home, higher than the empire state. But today, he pulled out his phone and called Zoe. 

“What the fuck do you want?” she demanded loudly.  
“Hello to you too.” He deadpanned back.  
“Mum wants to know where you are, and dad’s going to ground you.”  
“I’m in the hospital.”  
“WHAT?”  
“That kid Evan Hansen, the one who’s weirdly quiet, he fell out of a tree onto me and got a concussion as well as a broken arm. They say I can’t fucking leave until his family gets here, which won’t be for a few hours at least. So, I’m stuck here. Tell Larry to chew on that.”  
“He fell out of a…I… Fine. Don’t get arrested. Bye.” She said, hanging up. Connor shoved his phone into his pocket, grabbed his bag, and started walking to room 501. His relationship with Zoe had improved, but it was still very passive-aggressive. She was the only person he really trusted, and he was glad they were somewhat okay again. She’d been dating Alana, and he knew she was happy. She tolerated Connor and actually gave him her phone number, so he hoped they were getting somewhere. Anyway, this was it. Room 501. 

Connor pulled open the door and slammed it very loudly, making Evan jolt up in bed and curl up around his arm, which was now encased in white plaster. He was wearing a hospital gown and had dark circles under his eyes. He mumbled something that Connor didn’t catch.  
“What is it, Hansen? Might as well talk, considering I’m going to be here for the rest of the night, most likely.” He said, dropping his bag on the floor and slumping into the uncomfortable plastic chair that was by Evan’s bed.  
“I-I’m sorry you have to s-stay here because o-of me…”  
“Yeah, well, I am too. Looks like I’ll be sleeping in this chair, which is uncomfortable as fuck, by the way.”  
“Uh…well…” his voice trailed off.  
“Could you stop mumbling? Please?” Connor almost yelled. Evan looked taken aback and tried to speak a little more clearly.  
“I-I could sleep in the c-chair if you want…”  
“No way.” The other boy snorted. “You’re injured, Hansen. You also have a concussion. Please don’t pass out again. Or throw up.”  
“I’m not going to throw up.”  
“Good.”  
The room went silent, and Connor scrolled through his phone while Evan read the thick, outdated, magazines that were on the rack near his bed. Funnily enough, the top ten gluten-free lasagne recipes were not something Evan seemed particularly interested in. Connor could feel how tense he was and personally felt somewhat on edge as well. Evan was twisting his hands, and picking at his cast, and biting his nails. It only added to the uncomfortable atmosphere, and it was making Connor unbearably jittery. So he looked over at Evan, rolled his eyes, and took the other boy’s right hand in his left to stop him from picking at the plaster on his arm. Evan started, and looked up at Connor, then at their joined hands, then back at Connor, then at his magazine. And then back at their hands. Connor bit the inside of his lip to stop him from smiling; Evan was actually quite adorable.

After a while, they both started yawning- Connor was tired out from the long day and lack of weed (doing nothing is weirdly tiring), and Evan’s concussion was combatting his usual insomnia. Connor was curled up in the small chair, and looked extremely cramped shoving his long, lean frame into such a small space. Evan tugged softly at his hand, wondering if he was still awake, and received a sleepy glare in response.  
“U-uh, Connor?”  
“What.”  
“T-the bed’s big enough f-for two… uh, i-if you want it’s okay if you don’t I mean it’s probably a- “  
“…Okay.”  
“W-what?”  
“I have no dignity left to lose, Hansen. And this chair is far from luxurious. So, move over.”  
Evan inched over a little, and Connor slid in next to him, his chest to Evan’s back. The taller boy adjusted himself, and Evan could feel himself falling off a little. So could Connor, apparently, because he gently put his arm around Evan’s waist, pulling the other boy closer.  
“Okay?” he said softly.  
“Okay.” Evan whispered back.  
Somehow, he drifted off faster than normal that night.


	2. A Yellow Post-It Note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woooooo here's a short update

Evan stirred awake, the plastic-covered mattress crinkling underneath him as he turned over.   
“Evan? Oh, Evan, sweetie, are you awake?” said someone, clutching his good arm probably tighter than was Evan would’ve liked. He murmured something incoherent and turned over again. It was too early for this, he decided.  
“Evan, honey, I know you probably don’t want to, but we need to leave as soon as possible, okay? They’ve discharged you and need to use this room. And I’ve taken the whole afternoon off just for us! We can have a pizza night! And we need to talk about what happened, and the boy who was in your room this morning…”  
Evan blushed as the warm, calm memories of Connor’s arms around him flooded into his mind. It was strange. He barely knew the other boy, but they’d already slept in the same bed, and Evan felt… connected to him.   
He rolled over and opened his eyes a little to see his mom. She was looking at him patiently- it was nice that she understood he didn’t want to talk right now.  
“Okay, honey, I’ll wait outside so you can get changed. I’m sorry you have no clean clothes- I rushed here. See you in a bit, alright?” She said, pecking him on the cheek and going outside, leaving Evan to the empty room. He rubbed his eyes, accidentally hitting himself in the face with his left arm- it was a lot heavier than it would be normally. Evan yawned, and got out of the slightly uncomfortable bed. He hadn’t noticed before, but the room was an ugly shade of green and cream. Evan didn’t like it much- it was the same shade of green as the u-hall truck that his dad left in. They didn’t get any warning when he did- the man just took his stuff. The last they’d heard of him he was in California, married to some cocktail waitress. His mom hadn’t gotten a new tally since. She said she was too busy. Evan thought she was too scared. 

He found his sweaty, slightly snotty clothes from the day before in the corner with a small post-it note on them. 

Dear Evan Hansen,  
First of all, you snore. Really fucking loud.   
Second of all, I folded your clothes. So, you’re welcome.  
Third of all, your mum thinks you have a secret boyfriend now. And it’s awkward.  
Fourth of all, don’t you dare tell anyone that I helped you yesterday. Especially that creep, Kleinman.   
Fifth of all, I couldn’t find your shirt. So, I left you my hoodie. You better be fucking grateful. Here’s my number, text me your address so I can get it back.   
Sincerely,   
Me.

Evan gulped at the thought of texting Connor, and opted to do it later. And by later, he meant he’d probably freak out about it for a week before even getting the courage to text him. Putting the hoodie on, he struggled getting it over his cast but otherwise let it hang loosely. It smelt weirdly like talcum powder. It was a comforting smell; just not what Evan was expecting. He wasn’t too upset about losing his shirt- he had others like it. As Evan stepped outside, the fresh air hit him and he shivered a little, searching for his mom. He spotted her, and began to walk over when she received a call and her face fell. Evan immediately knew what happened.   
“Yeah… yeah, okay. I’ll come in tonight.” She sighed, hanging up the phone.  
“Oh! Hey, honey, can we get going? Also, I’m so sorry, the café called and they want me to take the extra hours… we could really use the money. You don’t mind too much, do you? Look, I’ll call Jared’s mom to see if he can come over for the night, okay?”   
“Uh- It’s-it’s okay, I-I can call him!”  
“Are you sure? I know you don’t like the phone…”  
“I-I’m trying to w-work on it and-“  
“That’s great, sweetie. Call him when we get home. All good?”  
“All good.” He echoed quietly. 

The car ride back home was nearly as awkward as the ride there. Evan stared out the window like his life depended on it, and Heidi made fairly one-sided small talk.   
“How are you feeling now?”  
“Fine.”  
“Does the cast itch?”  
“A little.”  
“Who was the boy that was in your room?”  
“W-what? O-OH, um, Connor?”  
“That’s his name?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Is that his top?” she asked, nodding at the hoodie Evan was wearing.  
“Yeah.”  
“Is he your friend?” she asked, a happy edge to her voice.  
“N-no, not really. He was just near the orchard and offered to give me a ride.”  
“Evan! Does he go to your school? You shouldn’t accept car rides from strangers, you of all people should know that!”   
“H-he goes to my school, d-don’t worry.”  
“Okay, honey. I just worry sometimes.”   
There was an awkward quiet before Heidi said “…Why were you at the orchard? It closed years ago!”  
“U-um w-well there are a l-lot of cool t-trees there a-and I was climbing and I j-just… fell.”  
He stuttered more when he was lying. It felt strange not telling his mom the truth- Evan felt bad about it.  
“Alright.” She sighed. The rest of the ride went past in silence. Evan didn’t mind. 

When they got home, Evan went straight to his room, claiming he was tired, with a little concern from Heidi (“Are you sure you’re okay? Do you have a headache?”). But he stopped in the doorway. The room was small but immaculate for the most part, with a soft blue lining the walls. His favourite tree lamp was sitting on a small table that doubled for a desk near his bed, and there was a bookshelf opposite, full of thrift-store finds and leaves in jars. Evan didn’t think he’d ever see this room again, but here he was. Slightly broken but mostly intact. His ‘weird, off-brand cell phone’ as Jared called it charging on his bed. His clothes hanging in his closet. His anti-anxiety medication somewhere on his shelves. He walked in and flopped back onto his pillow. It had been a long couple of days.

Suddenly he remembered. He was meant to call Jared and ask him over! But… he didn’t want to be around Jared right now. He was loud, and slightly obscene, and a bit harsh sometimes. So, he pulled the yellow post-it note out of his pocket, and shakily typed in Connor’s number. He did need to give the hoodie back. 

Evan:  
Hey, this is Evan. Do you want to come and pick up your hoodie?  
(6:39 pm)

Speaking of the hoodie, it smelt pretty bad. Like sweat, and hospital. Plus, isn’t it considered polite to wash clothes before returning them? He put on a clean, navy blue shirt and some khakis (Evan laughed at the fact that those were all he seemed to own), and padded down the hall into the kitchen, where the washing machine was. He struggled for five minutes and then finally asked his mom to help him as she was leaving. She helped him, pecked him on the cheek and left 20 dollars on the counter for dinner. So Connor’s hoodie was finally being washed, and Evan could relax. He sagged down onto their second hand, but very comfortable couch and pulled out his phone. He didn’t want to think right now. Too much would hit him at once. But that plan evaporated pretty quickly as his phone vibrated.

Connor:  
how did u get my phone number  
what hoodie im wearing a hoodie and its mine  
(7:01 pm)

Evan:  
Uh… you gave me your number last night?  
(7:03 pm)

Connor:  
wow really  
sober connor must be fuckin smooth  
(7:04 pm)

Evan:  
So that you could get your hoodie?  
(7:04 pm)

Connor:  
what hoodie  
(7:09 pm) 

Evan:  
Are you on drugs?  
(7:09 pm)  
Connor:  
‘on drugs’  
(7:11 pm)

 

Evan:  
Ugghhhh  
My address is 45 bell avenue come and get it when you want to, okay?  
(7:11 pm)

Evan:  
OMG CONNOR I DIDN’T MEAN NOW   
(7:22 pm)

Evan launched himself off the couch, and ran to the front door. A tall, thin boy groggily stared back at him.   
“C-connor?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO YEAH I HOPE THAT WAS OKAY
> 
> also i don't have a beta so excuse mistakes
> 
> and yes i do make a lot of references


	3. Milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan launched himself off the couch, and ran to the front door. A tall, thin boy groggily stared back at him.   
> “C-connor?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OhOohjohoh i know this is short but BOI

Evan launched himself off the couch, and ran to the front door. A tall, thin boy groggily stared back at him.   
“C-connor?”  
“Hi.”  
“U-uh um what are you d-doing here? I- I mean that’s s-stupid you’re h-here for your hoodie-“  
“Why do you talk so fast?” Connor asked curiously, looking at Evan like a five-year old.  
“U-um I don’t really know I’ve always done it really I mean-“  
“Why?”  
“I- I’m not really sure-“  
“Do you have any food?” Asked Connor, pushing through the doorway so he was standing face to face with Evan.  
“N-not really but I have s-some money so we could o-order pizza?”  
“Pizza!” Said Connor, his whole face lighting up before he said dreamily “Dude… cars are like… robot horses!” Evan held back a laugh and wondered how high Connor actually was as the taller boy collapsed in a fit of giggles.   
“Uh… Connor? Can you make it t-to the couch? We can order the pizza from there.” Evan smiled as Connor got up and walked over to the couch, bouncing playfully with each step.  
He looked up at the smaller boy happily.

Connor hadn’t meant to get high. Really. Maybe. Okay, he had. But it had been a long few days, and he was bored. And tired. And his insomnia was kicking in. And then his phone had buzzed. 

Unknown number:  
Hey, this is Evan. Do you want to come and pick up your hoodie?  
(6:39 pm)

Evan. He knew Evan. The quiet, short, innocent boy from his school who shook whenever people talked to him. Evan fell on him yesterday. They slept in a small, uncomfortable bed. He had some weird thing about trees, too. 

Connor:  
how did u get my phone number  
what hoodie im wearing a hoodie and its mine  
(7:01 pm)

Evan didn’t have his hoodie! Connor had his hoodie. But he did have a few hoodies. So it might’ve been possible.

 

Acorn boi:  
Uh… you gave me your number last night?  
(7:03 pm)

Evan was totally an acorn. Yeah.

Connor:  
wow really  
sober connor must be fuckin smooth  
(7:04 pm)

acorn boi:  
So that you could get your hoodie?  
(7:04 pm)

Connor:  
what hoodie  
(7:09 pm) 

acorn boi:  
Are you on drugs?  
(7:09 pm)

Evan was so fucking innocent. It was almost hilarious.

Connor:  
‘on drugs’  
(7:11 pm)

 

acorn boi:  
Ugghhhh  
My address is 45 bell avenue come and get it when you want to, okay?  
(7:11 pm)

Connor should go and get his hoodie. It was his, after all, and he had nothing better to do in the middle of summer. Connor’s social life wasn’t exactly booming. 

He left the house from the back door, closing it softly. No one had to know he was going out. The drive was short, but he got lost a few times, humming softly along with his music. He parked the car in what he hoped was Evan’s driveway and knocked on the door, probably louder than he intended to. His phone chimed again, and he pulled it out of his pocket.

Acorn boi:  
OMG CONNOR I DIDN’T MEAN NOW   
(7:22 pm)  
Too bad, Connor thought, laughing softly. The door was thrown open, and Evan was standing there, staring at him like he’d grown horns.

But now he was on the couch, sobering up a little. Damn it.   
“Um- where’s my hoodie?” He blurted out.  
“Oh- U-uh I washed it i-it’s in the dryer now a-actually it shouldn’t be too long.”  
They sat there in an awkward silence until Connor said “So. Pizza?”  
“Pizza.” Evan agreed.

It was true, pizza made everything a bit better. They munched away quietly, content. That was, until Connor spoke.   
“Let’s play truth or dare.”  
“U-um… I-I’ve never… actually…”  
“You’ve never played truth or dare?”  
“N-no…”  
“Okay, we are totally doing this. Truth or dare?”  
“U-uh t-truth?”   
“Hm… how old were you when you got your first tally?”   
Evan lowered his head in shame and felt his cheeks burning. “I… I don’t actually have… any…” Connor glanced down at the other boy’s arms- he was telling the truth. His arms were pale and smooth, with barely any marks on them, except a few bruises.   
“Okay.” He said, feeling incredibly awkward. “Now you ask me, truth or dare.”  
“Oh, okay. Um… truth or dare?”  
“Dare.” Said Connor, smirking.   
“Uh- Um…” Evan looked around and them smiled mischievously. Connor had never seen that before. It was entertaining.   
“Chug that whole carton of milk!”  
“Done.” Said Connor, striding over to the counter, slamming his hand down and grabbing the milk. Evan watched in amazement as Connor drank the milk furiously. It was a beautiful sight. He finished the whole thing within a minute, looked a little sick for half a second and then pumped his arms in the air while Evan clapped.   
“YES! Okay, truth or dare?”  
“Uh, truth.”  
“Ugh. Pick dare!” Connor was entirely sober now, but on a high, happy to be talking to this cute boy who he’d managed to coax out of his shell. “Okay, when was your first kiss?”  
“Um… I’ve never… kissed anyone…” he said, obviously embarrassed. Connor smirked and did something he didn’t know he had the courage for.   
“Well, I can fix that.” He said, as he walked over to Evan and kissed him firmly on the mouth. 

Evan squeaked a little but slowly melted into it, kissing back softly. His lips were fuller and slightly more chapped than Connor expected. Honestly, Connor didn’t know what he was doing. But the smaller boy hadn’t objected, and it was soft. Warm. So, when Evan put his arms around Connor’s neck, he stopped thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be prepared for angst
> 
> i made things happy
> 
> oh i feel bad but i'm gonna break hearts soon
> 
> Please donate a kudos for the poor kudos-less children in africa


	4. Hoodie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I-I’m gonna… I-should go. I’m going.” Connor said, grabbing his phone and walking off, not once looking at Evan.   
> “W-what?”  
> “I’M GOING!” he shouted, making Evan wince as he slammed the door loudly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *grabs hammer*  
> you don't need your hearts, right?

Evan was happy. A little confused, but happy. Kissing Connor was… nice. Calm. Evan had his arms around the taller boy’s neck, and his hands were on Evan’s waist. Evan leaned closer to him and- 

Suddenly, Connor hissed and withdrew. He looked at Evan, trembling, and made a small sound that nearly broke the smaller boy’s heart. Glancing around the room, Evan didn’t know what he’d done. Was he a bad kisser? Had he gone too far? Was it-  
“D-did I do s-s-s-s-something?” He stuttered, his eyes wide.  
“I-I’m gonna… I-should go. I’m going.” Connor said, grabbing his phone and walking off, not once looking at Evan.   
“W-what?”  
“I’M GOING!” he shouted, making Evan wince as he slammed the door loudly. Everything had happened so FAST; he barely knew what was going on. The silence was deafening as he looked around the now empty room. The pizza boxes were mostly empty. The carton of milk was on the floor. The pillows were knocked off the couch. It was a mess. So he tidied up, crying, breaking, but not once making a sound. 

Connor was horrified. They had been kissing. There’s nothing wrong with that. But then his wrist started to burn and tingle. And he realised he’d let his walls down too far. Much too far. He couldn’t fall in love again. It damaged him. He’d be let down again. And he barely knew Evan! They’d only started talking in the last few days… what was he thinking? Regardless, it won’t happen again, Connor thought, deleting Evan’s number after sending one last message. It’s for the best, he told himself, not bothering to wipe the tears off his screen.

Evan lay in bed, his face still wet. He felt numb. It was so NICE to have a friend, just for Evan, who really seemed… to like him. He stared up at the ceiling. The last few days barely belonged to him. This wasn’t something he ever did. His cast felt like it was burning, itching, and he didn’t know what to do. He heard his phone chime and scrambled for it, gripping it hard as he stared at the single text. 

Connor:  
dont talk to me. delete my number. forget this happened or else  
(10:01 pm) 

He’d tried to text Connor, to see what he’d done wrong, but apparently, he was being ignored. So Evan did just what Connor said to do, staring out of his window and letting the hours blur together until morning. 

Connor bit at a hangnail until it bled, feeling the needle of the tattoo gun go in and out of his skin. He would ask the man to stop, but he wasn’t a quitter. He was going to stick it out. Afterwards, Connor’s wrist was bare. At least, he hoped so. He’d blacked his wrists out, getting a very painful and illegal tattoo that covered half of his forearms with the darkest shade of painful. His parents had nearly killed him. Zoe hadn’t cared. It seemed like no one did. He blocked out the one person who he had a chance with. It was so stupid. He barely knew Evan. He shouldn’t feel so connected. It was stupid. A summer fling, if even that. Evan didn’t mean anything to him. He never did, never would. Just some quiet kid from his school. And he liked it that way. Didn’t he?

The rest of summer passed painlessly. They didn’t talk to each other. They didn’t think about each other. Evan finished his volunteer work at the state park, and spent hours working on his new tree scrapbook. Connor stayed at home, waiting for nothing, caring for his tattoos as they faded in and out of infection. The hoodie was now washed, and hung untouched on Evan’s door.

The first day back came to Evan like a slap in the face. Before he knew it, Evan was standing in the middle of a high-school stampede trying his hardest (and ultimately failing) not to look like a lost puppy. Pressed close to his locker, he did his best to pretend he didn’t exist and focused on getting his English books out of his bag until someone slapped him on the back quite painfully.   
“Evan!” Jared practically shouted into his ear. “How was your summer?”  
“I-I-It was f-fine!” Evan said quickly, wincing. “U-um- uh- w-what about you?”  
“Well, I dominated at capture the flag and hung out with my camp friends. So, it was pretty great.” He glanced down at Evan’s arm and said “is it weird to be the first person to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honour?”  
“Sh- d-don’t say that so l-l-loud that’s not what happened!”   
“Let me paint the picture- you’re in your room, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram up on your weird, off-brand cell phone-“  
“No! I-I was just- I was climbing a tree and I… I fell.” He said uneasily.  
“You FELL out of a TREE? What are you, like, an acorn?” Jared laughed. “Hey, Connor, loving the new hair length! Very school-shooter chic.” 

Evan turned just in time to see a scowling, tall, thin boy walking down the hallways. Connor flipped his fringe out of his face and glared hard at Jared, while Evan backed into a corner. He was all kinds of screwed, and it was only nine am.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was really short i'm suffering from writer's block please forgive me?
> 
> So that was a journey
> 
> yeah i know it was a bit rushed but soon we're getting into the interesting shit
> 
> i hope you liked this? please donate a kudos?


	5. Blue Binder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In English class, Evan couldn’t focus. His pencil was tapping against the desk faster and faster, and his leg was moving up and down irritably. His mind kept going back to when he walked in and the new teacher, Mr Marlin, assigned WORK PARTNERS. And due to the rules of irony, he was placed with Connor. Connor Murphy. Who kissed Evan and then ignored him for the entirety of summer. Who doesn’t look like he’s in the best place. Who’s looking at Evan like he owes Connor money.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!  
> sorry this has taken so long, I haven't been busy i just had a tough time writing the first few parts. Also if you saw before i was going to delete this fic, but i decided not to because everyone was really lovely :)
> 
> also i made jared a bit mean i'll redeem him!!!

In English class, Evan couldn’t focus. His pencil was tapping against the desk faster and faster, and his leg was moving up and down irritably. His mind kept going back to when he walked in and the new teacher, Mr Marlin, assigned WORK PARTNERS. And due to the rules of irony, he was placed with Connor. Connor Murphy. Who kissed Evan and then ignored him for the entirety of summer. Who doesn’t look like he’s in the best place. Who’s looking at Evan like he owes Connor money.

“So, everyone!” Said Mr Marlin, far too cheerily for any time in the morning. “Take your books and move them to your new desks! Chop chop! This is a chance for you to make new friends!” Oh god. This teacher really was a newbie. Connor grabbed his books and slammed them down forcefully on the desk next to Evan, glowering at the teacher with the fury of a thousand suns.   
“Now.” Said the obnoxious teacher. “As this is our first lesson, I’m going to give you all a little assignment! Write a five-hundred-word story featuring your desk partner! You have until the end of the lesson. Go!”

Connor gave Evan a glance and began scribbling down words in slightly illegible handwriting next to him. Evan, however, stared blankly at the page. He liked laptops more than paper. Not only was paper DEAD TREES, but he wasn’t the best with writing, often spending several minutes on one sentence, making sure the letters were rounded and neat. Plus, Evan needed a plotline. Regardless, he gripped the pencil hard and began writing whatever came to mind. Connor had to like dragons, right?

“Alright, everyone!” Mr Marlin said heartily. “Put down your pencils! Now, read out your story to your partner for this last ten minutes- this should be a good bonding exercise! For homework write the ending to your partner’s story and hand it in tomorrow!” Evan cringed a little at the teacher’s enthusiasm and slowly turned to Connor, staring at his own meagre two paragraphs. Oh, well. At least they were neat. Evan looked up and saw that Connor was still scribbling madly. He was on his second page and showed no signs of stopping, so Evan just sat there awkwardly, shuffling his pencils around so they formed a chain, doodling on his workbook, glancing occasionally at Connor. Evan knew he should be working on his story with the extra time, but honestly, he couldn’t be bothered. Eventually he blurted out “U-uh do you w-want to read mine?” at exactly the same time the bell rung. Connor wordlessly looked up, shoved the pages towards Evan, grabbed his bag and Evan’s sheet, then left, all in the span of a few seconds. The smaller boy was left standing there, looking like he’d been hit by a hurricane while everyone packed up. After a few moments, he shook his head and shakily gathered his things, carefully smoothing out the slightly inky pages that he was left with and carefully placing them in one of his many blue binders. He opted the read the story itself later, because he was already late to math. Shoving the rest of his books into his backpack, Evan rushed to math.

“Oooh, Dumbledore shaved his beard!” Jared said smugly, shoving a coconut ball (or as he affectionately called them, bath bombs) into his mouth as a senior with an admittedly hairy face walked past. This was his favourite spot in the cafeteria; at the table just next to the entrance. They had a front row seat to whoever walked in, and Jared certainly made the most of it. So, Evan slowly chewed his turkey sandwich in small bites and focused on not existing.   
“Look! El dwarfo got a nose piercing!” Jared said loudly, with a mouthful of food, nudging Evan and pointing to a rather short sophomore sitting down with her friends.   
“D-d-don’t say that s-so l-l-loud! Y-you might upset h-her!”  
“What? Sophomores don’t have feelings, Evan.” There was a small pause before Jared looked him up and down. “Why are you being so quiet? I actually hang out with you for once and you’re acting all weird!”  
“Um... I-I-“ Evan was torn between not wanting to upset Connor, and desperately wanting to tell SOMEONE about what happened in the summer. He wouldn’t believe it happened if there wasn’t a worn black hoodie in his room. “I- Um- come over this afternoon?”  
Jared raised his eyebrows. “At least take me to dinner first.”   
“N-No! you k-know that’s not w-what I meant!” Evan stuttered, feeling his face flush a vibrant red.  
“Geez, calm your khakis, Hansen. I can’t tonight, camp friends are coming over.”   
Jared was being nicer to him than normal but still had to remind Evan that he had other friends to hang out with. Oh, well. “Anyway, why can’t you just tell me now? It’s not like you to keep fuckin’… secrets and shit.” He finished lamely.  
“Eloquent.” Evan shot back, then blushed again. “Oh I’m sorry that was probably really rude sorry!”   
“It’s fine. Anyway, you were saying?”  
“W-what?”  
“Your ‘secret’?”  
“U-um…” Evan lowered his voice. “C-can I t-text it to you?”   
“Wow, that secret? Sure…”  
Evan pulled out his phone and started quickly typing out a message

Tree:  
so um basically it’s really complicated but um when I fell out of the tree connor murphy was there and he took me to the hospital for my arm and we slept in the same bed that night and then a few days later we kissed a bit kinda I guess then he told me never to talk to him again  
(1:42 pm)

The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman:  
Holy shit  
(12:43 pm)

The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman:  
h O L Y F U C K I N G S H I T  
(12:45 pm)

Evan was honestly beginning to worry about Jared after the second text. He was starting to cry with laughter.   
“A…Are you…. Actually… s…serious?” he said between wheezes. Evan nodded solemnly and the other boy collapsed into more giggles.  
“J-Jared! People a-are staring!” Evan hissed.  
“O-Okay, I need details,” Jared said slightly giddily.   
“N-N-not here!” Evan nervously glanced around; he didn’t want to be overheard.  
“Come on, then!” He giggled, pulling Evan out of his seat and grabbing their bags.

Once they’d reached the courtyard, Evan started to calm down. He hated the cafeteria and only sat there with Jared because he was less likely to be picked on. Jared sat, leaning his back against the wall, and pulled out his phone.   
“RIGHT. So, and I quote, ‘so um basically it’s really complicated but um when I fell out of the tree Connor Murphy was there and he took me to the hospital for my arm and we slept in the same bed that night and then a few days later we kissed a bit kinda I guess then he told me never to talk to him again’,” Jared held back another giggle. “Um, explain?”  
“I-I did!”  
“I meant fucking DETAILS, Hansen, not a summery!”  
“F-f-f-fine, okay! So, I was…climbing a t-tree, and I fell, um, o-onto C-Connor Murphy,”  
“What the fuck were you doing with Mr I’ll Kill You For Looking At Me?”   
“I don’t know why he was there! I just fell out of a tree!”  
“Conveniently onto his -”  
“NO! J-Jared!!”   
“Okay, okay. Go on.”  
“A-anyway, my arm was hurting a lot and h-he was shouting s-so I had a panic attack a-and he offered to d-drive me to h-hospital and t-then it’s a b-bit of a blur but there w-was only one bed so t-that’s where we slept? A-anyway after a few days, m-my mum said someone h-had to take c-care of me because I-I still had a concussion, and s-so Connor came over. W-we played t-truth or dare b-because we were bored a-and he just c-came up to me a-and kissed me! T-then he pulled away a-a-a-and started to f-freak out and texted me to never talk to him a-again… but we’re English partners. O-h yeah, and he gave me his number.” Evan pulled the slightly crumpled, but still readable post-it out of his pocket and gave it to Jared. “P-please be careful with it!”  
“Holy. Shit.” Jared took the note and read it aloud.   
“Dear Evan Hansen,  
First of all, you snore. Really fucking loud.   
Second of all, I folded your clothes. So, you’re welcome.  
Third of all, your mum thinks you have a secret boyfriend now. And it’s awkward.  
Fourth of all, don’t you dare tell anyone that I helped you yesterday. Especially that creep, Kleinman.   
Fifth of all, I couldn’t find your shirt. So, I left you my hoodie. You better be fucking grateful. Here’s my number, text me your address so I can get it back.   
Sincerely,   
Me.”   
Evan mouthed along with the words silently- he’d read it so many times it was a wonder the paper wasn’t worn out.   
“He called me a creep! I mean… he’s not wrong, but still! And he left you his hoodie? And he pretended to be your boyfriend? Why aren’t you two fucking yet?” Jared forcefully grabbed Evan’s arms and inspected them closely.   
“You don’t have any tallies though… meh. I call BS. You sure you didn’t just make this whole thing up?”  
“Why would I m-make it up?” Evan spluttered.  
“I mean… only one way to tell!” Jared smirked, typing Connor’s number into his phone.  
“N-no! Jared!” Evan yelled, trying to grab Jared’s mobile.

Connor was just about done with the day. The wondrous cocktail of his parents, high school jocks, high school nerds who tried to be jocks and cafeteria food left him drained, and it was only 1 in the afternoon. Sighing, he pulled out his cell to scroll through tumblr or waste his time some other way, only to find he’d received a text.

Unknown Number:  
Yo   
(1:13 pm)

Unknown Number:  
Is this connor murphy lol  
(1:13 pm)

His blood ran cold. Last time this happened he’d had to get a new phone. They wouldn’t stop texting him, telling him he was unlovable, telling him he was a freak and weird and gross. Who’d leaked his number? Only his parents, grandparents, and Zoe knew it. Oh.

And Evan Hansen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this
> 
> maybe donate a kudos or comment? that really makes my day <3
> 
> OKAY THANK YOU BYEEEEEEE


	6. hiatus?

Hi everyone,  
so i haven't updated in a hot minute  
basically i just wanted to give you an official notice   
i've been reading through this and hating my old writing style and how quickly this progressed  
so i'm putting this on an official hiatus   
it's only a hiatus because someday i may want to try and fix it  
yeah   
sorry if you liked this fic

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah?  
> I got this idea from tumblr btw  
> and it's probably gonna be super long  
> and yes i made them sleep in the same bed  
> fight me  
> oh but be ready for angst  
> so much angst  
> If you like this then maybe gift me with a kudos?  
> OKAY I WILL TRY TO UPDATE REGULARLY I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST DAY


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